UNVEILING BARBIE’S DARK AGENDA
Good ole Stereotypical Barbie: your sexualised, capitalist icon promoting mindless consumerism and unrealistic beauty standards. Has #Mattel’s “blond, bimbo girl” finally got a change of heart? Or is it just “in a fantasy world” that we can expect her to fuel positive change? Yes, “Barbie changed everything!!” but probably not in the way you’d expect. Here are 3 political convos Barbie stepped into:
1- Baby dolls are smashed dead and YEETED to space now that Barbie’s here. “Women can be anything”, but being a mother… ugh, boring! What can be more useless than nurturing human life? Especially when it doesn’t fuel capitalistic corporations. See Barbie? She lets her love for materialism lead her life. She’s got “her own money, her own house, her own car, her own jewellery”, cos’ remember, these are the most important things in life. Caring for babies just doesn’t fit into the hedonistic scheme of making it all about you. CHEUGY!
2- Oo, the Man of the Movie award goes to… our very own Allan! He dresses in rainbows, dances like a girl and says he’d beat – oh, we mean beach – off other Kens. Was that a not-so-subtle reference to homosexual masturbation? It all goes as long as you’re woke! Of course, we’d be loving him as all the Barbies did. After all, as the film poster says, “There’s only one Allan!”
3- That’s what you are if you don’t stick to Alpha Girl rule 1: do NOT simp over men! Would having a handsome man full of love, singing for you by the bonfire on the beach, be a dream come true? It isn’t for Barbie! Barbie doesn’t need Ken in her life because she can “have a great day every day”, while silly Ken “only has a great day when Barbie looks at him”. So though Weird Barbie would love “to see what nude blob he’s packing under those jeans.” he’s never the MVP. How long would it take him to get that men and women don’t need each other? About 2 hours.
And for our happy ending, Kendom is defeated to establish… a system where both sexes are respected? Nope! To re-establish the matriarchy. Pink revolution!